On Monday Sue sent me a text just after I dropped off the girls. She asked me to come by and help her with the internet connection. I told her that I couldn’t , but I offered her another solution. Rather than thank you or ask why, she immediate called me an asshole. The text war continued for an hour. What she said didn’t really bother me, yet I participated in this process. I felt a need to win, to prove my intellectual superiority. Deep down, I knew that I shouldn’t be doing this.
I had not contacted Sue since that time.
There were a number of issues that I needed to discus with Sue regarding the girls. Keeping my distance, would not be in the girls best interest.
My feelings on arranging a meeting were mostly positive.
Did I want to see her?
Would I explain that based on what she did our current relationship was over? I wasn’t sure. When I called she asked if we could meet at the house, said no. We planned a meeting for 3:00 at Starbucks.
We meet and went through the relevant issues concerning the girls. She talked a little about her personal life, which I listened to with interest.
She brought up the text war. She said that she called me an asshole right away because she knew what I was doing. She felt that I had chosen this moment (when she needed me ) to take a stand or change the relationship. She said after 20 years, she knows me.
I told her she was partially right. I have decided to change the relationship but it wasn’t that moment. It had all changed when she made the sexual comment the week before. I explained that showed me that she really doesn’t care about my future happiness.
She said it was no big deal, that when I got her mad, she will use all weapons at her disposal.
To avoid any confusion at all, I told her that I no longer wanted to be friends. I wanted however to maintain a decent relationship for all things concerning the girls. And that if there was any chance of us getting back together, it no longer exists. I told her to proceed with the divorce.
Her comments back:
-Breaking off the friendship is my choice and she’s fine with it, but It wasn’t niece that I didn’t tell her
-She is happy that we split, she only misses me taking out the garbage!
-she has no intention of getting the divorce paper work done, if I want to spend the money I should go ahead.
The girls then phoned, and I left to pick them up.
My feeling….Slight sickness to my stomach
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Its not therapy but…
If there has been a consistent message from many of my followers that I have not heeded is that I should be seeking help through my transitional time. I have not done so, as I have felt (and still do for the most part) that I am through the difficult part, I am very happy where I am now.
Back in September I hooked up with an old friend from school that I have not seen in over 25 years, ( yea facebook). He mentioned that his cousin was a MD that now focused on helping people make transitions in their life. His focus from what I understood was on career transition and being happy. Sounded like a combination executive coach and shrink. Perfect, just what I needed. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do about the marriage, and I didn’t have solid career direction. As with most top professionals in my area, his schedule was full and I was unable to see him.
Fast forward 4 months...I received a call from his office that he now had availability. Even though I no longer felt the need to see him, I made the appointment. After I explained my situation to the Dr. ( lets call him Sam). He asked why I was here? He said, I am the picture boy for how he wants his patients to end up! I told him that I wanted to get in touch with my instincts again. He took up the challenge and he seems to be excited about working with me. I like him, he’s very good. He has written a number of books on being happy.
Some issues on my relationship with Sue have come up during our last few meetings ( maybe more than some). It looks like there’s a few things more for me to discover or go thorough. I will share this process with you. Stay tuned!
Back in September I hooked up with an old friend from school that I have not seen in over 25 years, ( yea facebook). He mentioned that his cousin was a MD that now focused on helping people make transitions in their life. His focus from what I understood was on career transition and being happy. Sounded like a combination executive coach and shrink. Perfect, just what I needed. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do about the marriage, and I didn’t have solid career direction. As with most top professionals in my area, his schedule was full and I was unable to see him.
Fast forward 4 months...I received a call from his office that he now had availability. Even though I no longer felt the need to see him, I made the appointment. After I explained my situation to the Dr. ( lets call him Sam). He asked why I was here? He said, I am the picture boy for how he wants his patients to end up! I told him that I wanted to get in touch with my instincts again. He took up the challenge and he seems to be excited about working with me. I like him, he’s very good. He has written a number of books on being happy.
Some issues on my relationship with Sue have come up during our last few meetings ( maybe more than some). It looks like there’s a few things more for me to discover or go thorough. I will share this process with you. Stay tuned!
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Closer to Closure! The Tipping Point!
Through out much of our marriage I suffered from pre-mature ejaculation. The problem was greatly reduced in the last part of our marriage. According to Sue, this was never an issue with her. Never the less as a man, this weakness hurts me. One way to insure that the problem happens is to think about it. The other day, during a fight with Sue she said: “ I cant wait till you have sex for the first time, and you can’t perform, and she laughs at what I lousy lover you are”. I wrote the following letter ( I didn’t send it) to express my feelings.
Dear Sue
Thank you, tonight you truly showed me the real you. You had me fooled. I believed that we could be good friends. When you said you truly wished me happiness I believed you. Just like I believed you when despite all the evidence I believed that you hadn’t had sex with any of those guys during our marriage.
Looking back at it, how could I ever have trusted some one who lied for 18 years about being in love with me, and of being attracted to me.
The fact you tried to throw me out of the house, (over a comment that you had made 100s of times before).I except as part of your unstable mental state. However your sexual comments showed that you want me to suffer. It wasn’t enough the suffering you caused me over the past 20 years. You wanted to be sure that it continued into the future. It wont, your comment does not make me feel insecure, it actually makes me feel stronger, as I now know that if there was any chance for us to ever get back together, that possibility no longer exists.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Comments on Comments for Kathy, Tailie and Willow
Kathy
Kathy seems to feel that I am in denial , as I shouldn’t be so happy, I should be suffering more after a 18 year marriage ends. Kathy: I am not sure how far back you have read in my blog, but believe me I have suffered. I cried more this summer than I have through out my 48 years. I have done my time! I have a right to feel happy and I do!
What ever she is an addict or not, is not clear. I find it very interesting that since we have split she says her cyber sex activities have stopped. She is still chatting, but in a more traditional way.
Talie
The following comments have stayed with me:
“to see him _almost_ break free just to get sucked back in and this time to act out himself with chats and dates”
I refuse to be sucked back in, or as I describe it, “being taken off the right path” I am starting to see how staying close to her, could risk my growth. A new lady friend says that I might be leaving bread crumbs on the path.
I disagree that going out with new woman, is a step backwards.
My kids and my work come first, but I do enjoy female company.
For those that are wondering, I have not had sex with anyone other than my X. I am no hurry, and in fact some what nervous of the first experience.
And I didn’t take Talie up on this idea
Willow
Willows comment had to with the fact that despite was we say, sex is always about more than sex. She also brought up the issue on how new girl friends will feel about this.
Willow is right, as half the time we just cuddled. I understand this,and that’s why I have broken free.
In conversations with my new friend, it came up that I continued to have sex with Susan while we lived together, and after we decided to split. This might be part of the reason she gave me her 12 month speech. (She feels I need that time alone, before I should even consider getting serious with someone).
Thank you for all your comments.
Kathy seems to feel that I am in denial , as I shouldn’t be so happy, I should be suffering more after a 18 year marriage ends. Kathy: I am not sure how far back you have read in my blog, but believe me I have suffered. I cried more this summer than I have through out my 48 years. I have done my time! I have a right to feel happy and I do!
What ever she is an addict or not, is not clear. I find it very interesting that since we have split she says her cyber sex activities have stopped. She is still chatting, but in a more traditional way.
Talie
The following comments have stayed with me:
“to see him _almost_ break free just to get sucked back in and this time to act out himself with chats and dates”
“You have a real chance. One that I don't right now. Don't mess it up with that nagging codie feeling in your "heart". Stay out of the pit that your ex feel into. Stay out of her life except where it pertains to your children.”
I refuse to be sucked back in, or as I describe it, “being taken off the right path” I am starting to see how staying close to her, could risk my growth. A new lady friend says that I might be leaving bread crumbs on the path.
I disagree that going out with new woman, is a step backwards.
My kids and my work come first, but I do enjoy female company.
For those that are wondering, I have not had sex with anyone other than my X. I am no hurry, and in fact some what nervous of the first experience.
And I didn’t take Talie up on this idea
:” Ask your adult son what he thinks.”I know what he will say!
Willow
Willows comment had to with the fact that despite was we say, sex is always about more than sex. She also brought up the issue on how new girl friends will feel about this.
Willow is right, as half the time we just cuddled. I understand this,and that’s why I have broken free.
In conversations with my new friend, it came up that I continued to have sex with Susan while we lived together, and after we decided to split. This might be part of the reason she gave me her 12 month speech. (She feels I need that time alone, before I should even consider getting serious with someone).
Thank you for all your comments.
Family Valentines Day trip to NY?
First off I would like to thank everyone for some insightful comments. I will discuses them in a separate post., Now on to the weeks top subject: Sex with the X!
Monday morning came and I had to decide if I was interested in the morning booty call. My first step towards making a decision was leaving my condoms at home! This was really only ½ a decision as the possibility existed that she had condoms, or if not, a blow job was always possible. After I dropped the girls off, I picked up some coffee and went to the house. I didn’t want to be rude. I ended up waking her up, she had forgot the invitation!
We ended up getting into an argument over whose fault the marriage breakdown was. She feels that its 95% my fault. I honestly don’t give a shit what she thinks. I told her that if believing that makes this process easier for her, I am not going to argue with her. For some stupid reason this only made her more upset.
When we got into the issue of her behavior at the end of the marriage with the cyber sex, she feels that has nothing to do with the breakup, its was only a symptom of the problem.
At her request, I left while she was in tears. I felt relived.
A couple days ago she called me to ask if it was ok if she took the girls to NY for the Valentines day weekend. Of course I said yes, she then asked me to join them. It didn’t take me to long to say no.
She told me that meant that I have found some one else. I told her not necessarily, but it mean that i am now listening to my instinct and my gut says don’t go…It also says No Sex!
And, yes I have met someone interesting, ill update you on that shortly.
My comments on comments to follow!
Monday morning came and I had to decide if I was interested in the morning booty call. My first step towards making a decision was leaving my condoms at home! This was really only ½ a decision as the possibility existed that she had condoms, or if not, a blow job was always possible. After I dropped the girls off, I picked up some coffee and went to the house. I didn’t want to be rude. I ended up waking her up, she had forgot the invitation!
We ended up getting into an argument over whose fault the marriage breakdown was. She feels that its 95% my fault. I honestly don’t give a shit what she thinks. I told her that if believing that makes this process easier for her, I am not going to argue with her. For some stupid reason this only made her more upset.
When we got into the issue of her behavior at the end of the marriage with the cyber sex, she feels that has nothing to do with the breakup, its was only a symptom of the problem.
At her request, I left while she was in tears. I felt relived.
A couple days ago she called me to ask if it was ok if she took the girls to NY for the Valentines day weekend. Of course I said yes, she then asked me to join them. It didn’t take me to long to say no.
She told me that meant that I have found some one else. I told her not necessarily, but it mean that i am now listening to my instinct and my gut says don’t go…It also says No Sex!
And, yes I have met someone interesting, ill update you on that shortly.
My comments on comments to follow!
Family Valentines Day trip to NY?
First off I would like to thank everyone for some insightful comments. I will discuses them in a separate post., Now on to the weeks top subject: Sex with the X!
Monday morning came and I had to decide if I was interested in the morning booty call. My first step towards making a decision was leaving my condoms at home! This was really only ½ a decision as the possibility existed that she had condoms, or if not, a blow job was always possible. After I dropped the girls off, I picked up some coffee and went to the house. I didn’t want to be rude. I ended up waking her up, she had forgot the invitation!
We ended up getting into an argument over whose fault the marriage breakdown was. She feels that its 95% my fault. I honestly don’t give a shit what she thinks. I told her that if believing that makes this process easier for her, I am not going to argue with her. For some stupid reason this only made her more upset.
When we got into the issue of her behavior at the end of the marriage with the cyber sex, she feels that has nothing to do with the breakup, its was only a symptom of the problem.
At her request, I left while she was in tears. I felt relived.
A couple days ago she called me to ask if it was ok if she took the girls to NY for the Valentines day weekend. Of course I said yes, she then asked me to join them. It didn’t take me to long to say no.
She told me that meant that I have found some one else. I told her not necessarily, but it mean that i am now listening to my instinct and my gut says don’t go…It also says No Sex!
And, yes I have met someone interesting, ill update you on that shortly.
My comments on comments to follow!
Monday morning came and I had to decide if I was interested in the morning booty call. My first step towards making a decision was leaving my condoms at home! This was really only ½ a decision as the possibility existed that she had condoms, or if not, a blow job was always possible. After I dropped the girls off, I picked up some coffee and went to the house. I didn’t want to be rude. I ended up waking her up, she had forgot the invitation!
We ended up getting into an argument over whose fault the marriage breakdown was. She feels that its 95% my fault. I honestly don’t give a shit what she thinks. I told her that if believing that makes this process easier for her, I am not going to argue with her. For some stupid reason this only made her more upset.
When we got into the issue of her behavior at the end of the marriage with the cyber sex, she feels that has nothing to do with the breakup, its was only a symptom of the problem.
At her request, I left while she was in tears. I felt relived.
A couple days ago she called me to ask if it was ok if she took the girls to NY for the Valentines day weekend. Of course I said yes, she then asked me to join them. It didn’t take me to long to say no.
She told me that meant that I have found some one else. I told her not necessarily, but it mean that i am now listening to my instinct and my gut says don’t go…It also says No Sex!
And, yes I have met someone interesting, ill update you on that shortly.
My comments on comments to follow!
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Name Change
I am not sure how to handle the blog going forward.
The original purpose was to share the stories and pain the I was experiencing being married to “cyberslut”. Now that I am out of the marriage, and feel great,( Although I know some of you think I still have issues). The purpose of the blog didn’t fit anymore.
Do I:
1. Continue this blog or start a new one talking about my new single life
2. Take the blog down
3. Leave it up, in case it can help some one
I decided to change the name as step one. Honesty is very important to me and I wanted the name to reflect it.
There is a possibility that there is an issue still outstanding, yes that’s right….Sex with the X!
Most comments I have been getting are negative. The message is that its not a good idea, and if I keep doing it, It will hurt my growth and positive momentum.
I do not see that happening, however I have heard the comment from enough intelligent people that I want to explore it.
My contact with my X this past week, has been mostly to do with the kids. We got along fine, but with out any warmth. I was ok, with this, and figured that I no longest had to make a decision as she no longer wanted to be that close.
That was until last night, she sent me a IM. Saying, how great it was that I am there for her when she needs me. The conversation ended with her reminding me that, I was welcome to come to house next week after I dropped the kids off at school. A Monday morning botty call, one might call it.
My feeling was a mixture of excitement, and “oh shit”.
To complicate things a little more, I might have met some one!
Its just been one date, no sex. Its way to early to predict anything, but my mind does factor it in.
We will see what happens on Monday. My goal as mentioned in my last post, is to listen to my instinct, if not before, then after.
Looks like the blog still has a purpose!
The original purpose was to share the stories and pain the I was experiencing being married to “cyberslut”. Now that I am out of the marriage, and feel great,( Although I know some of you think I still have issues). The purpose of the blog didn’t fit anymore.
Do I:
1. Continue this blog or start a new one talking about my new single life
2. Take the blog down
3. Leave it up, in case it can help some one
I decided to change the name as step one. Honesty is very important to me and I wanted the name to reflect it.
There is a possibility that there is an issue still outstanding, yes that’s right….Sex with the X!
Most comments I have been getting are negative. The message is that its not a good idea, and if I keep doing it, It will hurt my growth and positive momentum.
I do not see that happening, however I have heard the comment from enough intelligent people that I want to explore it.
My contact with my X this past week, has been mostly to do with the kids. We got along fine, but with out any warmth. I was ok, with this, and figured that I no longest had to make a decision as she no longer wanted to be that close.
That was until last night, she sent me a IM. Saying, how great it was that I am there for her when she needs me. The conversation ended with her reminding me that, I was welcome to come to house next week after I dropped the kids off at school. A Monday morning botty call, one might call it.
My feeling was a mixture of excitement, and “oh shit”.
To complicate things a little more, I might have met some one!
Its just been one date, no sex. Its way to early to predict anything, but my mind does factor it in.
We will see what happens on Monday. My goal as mentioned in my last post, is to listen to my instinct, if not before, then after.
Looks like the blog still has a purpose!
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Remember me?
Its been almost two weeks since my last post. Its interesting, this blog which was so much a part of my life, has not been part of my consciousness for 2 weeks. A comment from Taillie brought me back. Her basic point was that it made no sense that I would continue to have sex with my X after what she had done to me over the past 10 months. My initial reaction was that Taillie like most people don’t get it. I have dealt with the pain and anger I have moved on. When you take away these negative emotions out of my relationship, good things are there. Logically if there are good things, and we can make each feel good, why not? Since I am dealing with mostly woman not man, I am sure you understand it goes beyond the sex. Some times, we just lie in bed and cuddle.
I felt that I was emotionally advanced (superior?) that I was able to move beyond the negative. The strange thing is that since I read Taillies comments, I have not had sex with Sue. Nor have we talked as much.
Another interesting part to this was just before I received the comment, Sue and I got in fight over when the kids would be dropped off. She was being an idiot of course. I believe her motivation was to ruin a date I had. She believed I wasn’t the father she thought I was, as I wasn’t putting the kids first. Anyway she ended up telling me that she didn’t want to keep having sex and she wanted the key to the house back. We were breaking up! I dropped the key off the next day with the kids. The next morning as I drove the kids to school, I kept checking for a text from her telling me to come by the house. After I dropped the kids off she phoned me, asking me to come over. That break-up lasted 24 hours1
As you know my daughters live with me half the time. They are with their mother this week. When I have them, I drive them to school which is right next store to the house. Perfect for a morning visit.It will be interesting to see what happens next week.
I hope for the strength to….Listen to my instinct which ever way it guides me.
I felt that I was emotionally advanced (superior?) that I was able to move beyond the negative. The strange thing is that since I read Taillies comments, I have not had sex with Sue. Nor have we talked as much.
Another interesting part to this was just before I received the comment, Sue and I got in fight over when the kids would be dropped off. She was being an idiot of course. I believe her motivation was to ruin a date I had. She believed I wasn’t the father she thought I was, as I wasn’t putting the kids first. Anyway she ended up telling me that she didn’t want to keep having sex and she wanted the key to the house back. We were breaking up! I dropped the key off the next day with the kids. The next morning as I drove the kids to school, I kept checking for a text from her telling me to come by the house. After I dropped the kids off she phoned me, asking me to come over. That break-up lasted 24 hours1
As you know my daughters live with me half the time. They are with their mother this week. When I have them, I drive them to school which is right next store to the house. Perfect for a morning visit.It will be interesting to see what happens next week.
I hope for the strength to….Listen to my instinct which ever way it guides me.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
I cant believe I did that
I am really enjoying my new life style. I am especially having fun with these online dating sites. I wonder if Freud would find a connection between my interest and the fact that these sites were one of the major reasons for the ending of my marriage?
As a point of reference, my wife used these site for some sexual chatting. Most of them are legitimate dating sites.
The other day, I received a message on POF from a lady with a very cool profile and a stunning picture. The profile mentioned that she was married. I took the bait and wrote her back. I questioned what she means by married. For example I am legally separated, but I think I am still considered legally married.
I received an answer from her, she said she would explain the married thing on MSN. We arranged to chat later that day.
It was a cool chat, some what sexual, but mostly intellectually stimulating. About half way through I asked about her marriage.
Husbands doesn’t pay her proper attention, drinks a lot, etcc. She said she now has to take care of her own needs.
After I got off the line, I said what the fuck am I doing! It didn’t take me long to send her the following message and block her:
“I know you have your reasons for doing what you are doing. I do not judge you. But I do judge my self. I will no put myself in a position to cause some one the pain that I suffered.
You seem to be a very cool person. I wish you happiness.”
I also blocked her!
Gotta watch my self…..This can be a slippery post!
As a point of reference, my wife used these site for some sexual chatting. Most of them are legitimate dating sites.
The other day, I received a message on POF from a lady with a very cool profile and a stunning picture. The profile mentioned that she was married. I took the bait and wrote her back. I questioned what she means by married. For example I am legally separated, but I think I am still considered legally married.
I received an answer from her, she said she would explain the married thing on MSN. We arranged to chat later that day.
It was a cool chat, some what sexual, but mostly intellectually stimulating. About half way through I asked about her marriage.
Husbands doesn’t pay her proper attention, drinks a lot, etcc. She said she now has to take care of her own needs.
After I got off the line, I said what the fuck am I doing! It didn’t take me long to send her the following message and block her:
“I know you have your reasons for doing what you are doing. I do not judge you. But I do judge my self. I will no put myself in a position to cause some one the pain that I suffered.
You seem to be a very cool person. I wish you happiness.”
I also blocked her!
Gotta watch my self…..This can be a slippery post!
I cant believe I did that
I am really enjoying my new life style. I am especially having fun with these online dating sites. I wonder if Freud would find a connection between my interest and the fact that these sites were one of the major reasons for the ending of my marriage?
As a point of reference, my wife used these site for some sexual chatting. Most of them are legitimate dating sites.
The other day, I received a message on POF from a lady with a very cool profile and a stunning picture. The profile mentioned that she was married. I took the bait and wrote her back. I questioned what she means by married. For example I am legally separated, but I think I am still considered legally married.
I received an answer from her, she said she would explain the married thing on MSN. We arranged to chat later that day.
It was a cool chat, some what sexual, but mostly intellectually stimulating. About half way through I asked about her marriage.
Husbands doesn’t pay her proper attention, drinks a lot, etcc. She said she now has to take care of her own needs.
After I got off the line, I said what the fuck am I doing! It didn’t take me long to send her the following message and block her:
“I know you have your reasons for doing what you are doing. I do not judge you. But I do judge my self. I will no put myself in a position to cause some one the pain that I suffered.
You seem to be a very cool person. I wish you happiness.”
I also blocked her!
Gotta watch my self…..This can be a slippery post!
As a point of reference, my wife used these site for some sexual chatting. Most of them are legitimate dating sites.
The other day, I received a message on POF from a lady with a very cool profile and a stunning picture. The profile mentioned that she was married. I took the bait and wrote her back. I questioned what she means by married. For example I am legally separated, but I think I am still considered legally married.
I received an answer from her, she said she would explain the married thing on MSN. We arranged to chat later that day.
It was a cool chat, some what sexual, but mostly intellectually stimulating. About half way through I asked about her marriage.
Husbands doesn’t pay her proper attention, drinks a lot, etcc. She said she now has to take care of her own needs.
After I got off the line, I said what the fuck am I doing! It didn’t take me long to send her the following message and block her:
“I know you have your reasons for doing what you are doing. I do not judge you. But I do judge my self. I will no put myself in a position to cause some one the pain that I suffered.
You seem to be a very cool person. I wish you happiness.”
I also blocked her!
Gotta watch my self…..This can be a slippery post!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
